Chairman of Tourism Al Ewing takes you on a tour of the most delightful place in the galaxy.
Hello and thank you for choosing Glenbrook for your tourism needs. It is a big known existence out there and we appreciate that you recognized how special our little patch of land is!
We have big city attractions wrapped up in small town charm and friendliness and we trust you’ll love it here. Love it so much you may never leave? Well, yes, that is the plan!
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, let us help you get to know our charming hamlet. We promise you won’t regret it.
And please don’t upset…others. Because we are all so nice you wouldn’t want to. Especially….well, nevermind that ugliness. Just know that being nice is the key to getting along here. And you simply must get along while you are here.
The wonderful thing about our Town Square is that it feels wonderfully familiar, and yet fresh and new all at once. It’s like every place you’ve ever visited and no place you’ve ever seen before! How do we do it? Trade secret, friend-o! But we just know you’ll adore it. And if you don’t believe me, just ask an expert, Chairman of Tourism Al Ewing!
“Take a trip to the Town Square–the hub around which Glenbrook revolves,” he demands. “Whether it’s getting a period-appropriate suit for your newest alien slave–sorry, ‘geography teacher’–or clapping one of your entourage in irons for being insufficiently ‘in character,’ it all gets done here! Remember to remain in character at all times.”
See! Doesn’t that sound amazing? And important! Especially that last part.
I know what you are thinking, “Go back to high school? No thanks!” The thing is, you will be going here. You won’t be able to stay away in fact! No matter how you feel right now! A delightful architectural achievement—how many high schools do you know that are this pretty and this difficult to leave—Glenbrook High is where the shaping of young minds happens and the leader of tomorrow is born!
“Glenbrook’s seat of learning, and the place for all manner of wacky hi-jinks!” warns Ewing. “Students live in fear of a bad report card from the lovable principal, Mr. Waspwind–mainly because the report cards explode with intense concussive force, thanks to the borrowed abilities of the mutant human known as ‘Gambit.’ Remember, any mention of ‘Power Skrulls’ or the ‘skrull military’ will be seen as breaking character. Please stay in character.”
Goodness! If my high school was like that, I’m sure I would’ve ended up going to a top 10 school like my dad wanted and not let everyone down!
It may seem far-fetched to say, but we guarantee education has never been fun in quite this way before!
PAPPY GUGGENHEIM’S MALT SHOPPE
This location combines cool eats and hot treats, an expression that is wholly unique to Glenbrook and you’d do well to remember that.
If you want in on the hustle and the bustle of our delightful Burg, you HAVE to stop by here. It is an absolute MUST for all out-of-towners! Pappy is a local celebrity of sorts and his food simply cannot be beat. And no one should try.
Well, look, Al Ewing is back to tell you all about it.
“Why not enjoy a delicious malted milkshake–the traditional beverage of typical teenagers everywhere?” interrogates the Chairman. “Pappy Guggenheim will make them just right, or what we assume is just right. Taste is a difficult thing to gauge from TV signals transmitted through the depths of space, but we figure a ‘chocolate malt’ tastes somewhere between lizard and beetle. Anyway, Pappy knows the important thing is not to break character, so he rarely speaks due to his extreme terror of the dungeons. Don’t break character.”
Mmm, mmm, mmm, we wish we were slurping a malt right now. Yummy! And you’ll be declaring the same when you have one. Which you will. And you will call it yummy. Remember the rules.
We’ve heard the suburbs get a bad rap elsewhere but we would NEVER EVER say that about our suburbs because we appreciate our lives and our well-being and the fun we have on our quiet but not too quiet streets where we live side by side with friendly but never nosy neighbors. With reasonably priced houses that always shoot up in value upon purchase—how does that work? DON’T ASK US!—and beautiful lawns and park spaces, this is suburban life as it has to be lived.
“Otherwise known as ‘everywhere else,’ the suburban streets of Glenbrook form the perfect backdrop to play out the comedy-dramas of typical teenage life–be they short humorous skits based around simple wordplay, or longer ‘special episodes’ like the time they all got drafted to fight in one of the human wars, and since humans don’t enjoy wars for some inane reason, that was bad,” Ewing cryptically observes. “Although try not to mention that you aren’t human, as that will break character. You don’t want to break character.”
Being a suburban human is just the best. We assure you, you will come around to our way of thinking on this.
We know what you are thinking. Well, we don’t “know” know. We’d never invade your mind like that, of course. But we assume you are thinking, “Odd that such a nice place needs a dungeon.”
Which…well…ok, we see that, but the thing is…
OH! Look, Mr. Ewing will explain. Take it, Chairman!
“The key point of interest in Glenbrook is the secure dungeon built under [REDACTED]’s haunted castle outside of town,” he reveals in hushed tones. “The castle is no longer used, because [REDACTED] is an unperson who broke character, but the dungeon has proved extremely useful. Here you will find all the other dangerous subversives who broke character, starving slowly to death with no food or water and with their shape-changing abilities locked down by hyperwave projectors so they can’t escape. That said, if you do find them, it’s because you broke character as well, so you deserve everything you get. Enjoy Glenbrook! And don’t break character!”
See. A delightfully wonderful reason!
To book your trip to Glenbrook immediately, please pick up the travel guide U.S.AVENGERS #12 by Chairman of Tourism Al Ewing and Chairman of Commerce Paco Diaz, available on November 29.